How To Live With A Serial Cheating Husband

How to Tell the Departure and Why It's Important to Know the Difference.

Sarah P.

Some men never stop looking for the affair – they are serial cheaters whose affairs have aught to exercise with relatedness to another, intimacy, sharing, pain or silence–They connect equally conquest to bolster a well hidden simply frail ego. Over threescore% of men who have an extramarital affair, however, say they never seriously imagined themselves doing it until it actually happened."  — Dr. Suzanne Phillips, PsyD. (1)

The old adage goes: Fool me once, shame on yous. Fool me twice, shame on me.  But when information technology comes to adultery, information technology is never that simple. Infidelity can make the ultimate fool out of a loyal and trusting wife (or husband).

And you know the feeling – – possibly you have already invested 20, 30 or even as much as fifty years in your marriage and suddenly you find out that your hubby had an matter. Are yous going to throw everything away considering of a momentary, er, prolonged lapse of reason on his part?

Yous are trying to rebuild considering it's but not worth information technology to throw it all abroad. But there is a daily nagging feeling that your husband might do it again. Peradventure he might exercise it again with the same adult female or with unlike women.

You take a terrible feeling that your hubby is not telling you the whole truth. He might tell you lot daily that he gave upward his mistress and that he really felt goose egg for her; just a feeling inside of y'all tells you that he still could be seeing her for lunch in secret.

You lot desire this time to be the last. You want to ensure that he has given upwards the other woman, that he will not return to her, and that he won't brand such a stupid and life-shattering conclusion again.

The pain with D-Day was so keen that you cannot imagine going through information technology again and again. Y'all know how important his continued allegiance is because information technology not but reflects the recovery process, but also the long-term wellness of you lot and your marriage.

I would like to tell you that I have a crystal ball where I can look into the future and give you 100% surety that he will not do information technology again. But, I can't exercise that because fifty-fifty he cannot guarantee himself that he will never do information technology over again, fifty-fifty if he swears to himself he won't cheat once again.

Past Behaviors Can Predict Future Behaviors

Merely there is adept news considering futurity behaviors are all well-nigh probabilities. Stephen Covey, in his volume "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" remarks that people'south futurity behaviors can exist predicted by their by behaviors. So, whether yous tin can rebuild for the long term depends on the blazon of cheater that yous are with.

Information technology is imperative to be able to tell the difference between a man who cheated and probably never volition again and a series cheater. This is of import and then that you can brand an informed decision.

If you are with a cheater who can be reformed, you tin can become on with your life with him and rebuild your spousal relationship. Merely, if yous are with a serial cheater, there is a pretty high chance your marriage volition be one of continued drama and trauma.

Merely hither is the kicker…

Until your husband is completely out of the affair fog, y'all will not be able to tell what kind of cheater you are with.

Both types of cheaters are going to display the same verbal kind of behaviors when they are in the affair fog. If they are still in the affair fog, they will human action erratically, they change their minds almost hourly well-nigh both y'all and the mistress, they will seem like a Jekyll and Hyde blazon, and they volition take a lot of narcissistic traits. They also may indulge in drinking or other substances more than usual. But the worst part is, when they are in the matter fog, y'all ordinarily no longer recognize them every bit your married man. Where did your prince charming go?

I categorize adulterous husbands into 2 main categories based on whether or not they are a good bet for your future. I call one group the Reverse Prince Charmings and the other group of cheaters the Fallen Prince Charmings.

These descriptive names pretty much say it all: Reverse Prince Charming (RPC) is basically the guy who puts his motorcar in opposite and drives off to meet the needs of whatsoever adult female only his wife. Fallen Prince Mannerly (FPC) is the average good guy who falls off his white horse, but who is poised to get back upward and caput home to make things work at the castle.

That's all well and good, just the effect is that sometimes it is very difficult to tell the divergence. After all, both Reverse Prince Charming and Fallen Prince Mannerly usually say the exact same things, whether they are in or out of the affair fog.

While both types are in the affair fog, they say nasty things, they lie, and they human action distant and sometimes even behave every bit if they could leave at any moment. When they are out of the affair fog, they both prove remorse, plead for yous to stay, and sometimes make you lot experience like you are the only adult female on earth.

Fallen Prince Charming is sincere in his protestations of love and remorse while Contrary Prince Charming has a selfish agenda and says the right things as a manipulation tactic. Fallen Prince Charming wants to genuinely patch things upwards; Reverse Prince Charming puts on a show considering of a number of cocky-serving motives. Fallen Prince Charming wants his matrimony to piece of work, while Reverse Prince Charming simply wants to take his cake and eat information technology too.

Opposite Prince Charming's motive is to provide the illusion of making his marriage work. The biggest trouble with Reverse Prince Charming is that he doesn't desire to lose his wife, just he doesn't desire to lose his mistress either. And then, he tells each adult female what each of them want to hear and does everything to make his wife believe that he has turned over a new leaf.

Reverse Prince Charming is very scary indeed and if you lot are married to one, information technology is best to cut him loose. Reverse Prince Mannerly is the ultimate wolf in sheep's clothing and (perish the thought) sometimes he appears to be a better sheep than the actual sheep themselves.

I have put together a list of behaviors for both men that you can use as a comparison for the future. Of class, this list is valid simply after the affair fog has melted away.

So what is a girl to do?

In deciding what to practice, probabilities are everything. Every bit I mentioned earlier, Stephen Covey says that past behavior is indicative of future beliefs. If your husband has done something many times in the by, there is a high probability that he will do it in the future.

For example, if he has spent many Sundays for the past 10 years playing golf, there is a high probability that in the coming years he will spend many more Sundays playing golf. He has made playing golf on Sundays a habit and then golf will be a hard habit to break.

It turns out habits are difficult-wired because equally we repeat an action, neural pathways in our brains get made to reinforce the activeness. This is why trying to change a habit with sheer willpower can exist hard. Habits must be replaced with concrete, repeatable deportment in order to replace them. One-time neural pathways demand to be trimmed dorsum and new ones formed.

You lot tin can use habits and behaviors equally a clue to your husband's future. You lot need to figure out if concrete diplomacy are the norm for your husband.

Here are some cases or personality issues where diplomacy could be or at least become a norm for your husband:

• closet sex activity habit
• pathological narcissism or psychopathology
• substance addiction
• early life trauma
• coming from a family where the father had known affairs

Here I would like to separate out physical diplomacy and emotional diplomacy. I believe emotional affairs are far more common than any of u.s.a. might believe considering they can masquerade equally friendship. I also believe that many men (and women) tin can easily fall into emotional affairs.

Everyone experiences unmet needs and how a person reacts to that experience tin predict whether or not they can hands fall into an emotional matter. We all have needs for validation from others. Most people look to their spouses for validation, equally they should. A spouse should be our number one champion and in our corner at all times. Only, what happens when a person's need for validation is so bully that it exceeds what a spouse tin give? A person tin can utilise information technology as a growing opportunity and learn to meet his or her emotional needs in good for you means. Or, a spouse can intentionally put himself in situations where he can be adored past other women and receive validation from them.

But, to clarify, I think everyone more than or less experiences validation from others every bit a positive experience. The difference is that people with a good for you sense of self do not actively seek it out and exercise non engage in relationships just for the sake of validation.

People with a good for you sense of self practise not need constant validation from those other than their spouse. In fact, people with a good for you sense of self won't experience abandoned when their spouse is not able to provide abiding validation. Simply, for those who need constant admiration and validation, they volition seek it out. Otherwise, they might feel like an empty beat or even experience abased.

A Personal Example

I learned that hard lesson from my ex-fiancé. He was very out-going and loved to flirt. He loved having female friends and constant attention. I was in my twenty'south and idea this was just immaturity or a stage. He had been the guy in loftier school who couldn't get a appointment with even the ugliest girl and was probably making upwardly for lost time.

By the time I had met him, his braces had come off, his acne had been long gone, had a thick head of dark hair, his spectacles were replaced with contacts, he had gotten an MBA and lived in Paris, and he had been working out so he was 6'ii' with a long, lean swimmer's torso. He was obviously making up for lost time.

I recollect going to his 10-year loftier school reunion with him. At that place was a woman in that location who had been the blond that every male child idolized during high school. She was still extremely attractive and sassy. She did not recognize my (at present ex) fiancé and she flirted shamelessly with him.

In that location was one funny matter…The blond believed that I was the high school homecoming queen (and her chief rival) from her graduating class. Since the existent ane was not there and I did non have a nametag, my fiancé ran with it and so did his friends. I only sat there and kept quiet considering I didn't fifty-fifty sympathize at first that she thought I was her former rival. But, then something interesting happened. When the blond idea I was her loftier school rival, this made her flirt with my fiancé even more.

The fact that the (alleged) homecoming queen had pre-selected him fabricated him all the more valuable in her eyes. Some women really similar men who other women take selected. This is why some men get more attending while wearing a wedding ring. Another adult female has given her postage of approval and the more bonny the married woman, the higher status the man is in another woman's eyes. For insecure women, they get quite a kick out of stealing a human with an attractive wife.*

So, the blond actually laid her admiration for my fiancé on thick. The well-nigh important role was that he got absolutely high off the ego boost she gave him. Here was the 1 unattainable woman from high schoolhouse who, at the time, didn't even know he was live. At present, she was approaching him and flirting with him and even upping the ante one time she thought her one-time rival was fastened to him.

At the time, I was very supportive of him getting an ego boost from the amour. I also was the daughter in high school who, nonetheless in her awkward, ugly-duckling stage, couldn't get a engagement either. So, I was happy that he was receiving validation from someone who never knew he existed prior to that moment. At the fourth dimension, I felt like information technology was a victory for all of usa high school ugly ducklings and tardily bloomers.

Looking back at present, I see that my ex-fiancé permit all of the newfound attending become to his head. In fact, he had started getting a lot of find well before he met me. At the time, I figured that it was a stage that he would outgrow. I believed that since he had professed his moral values, he would never cheat.

If I had been looking for the signs at the fourth dimension, I would have realized that his need for constant, external validation had go a habit and fifty-fifty borderline addiction for him. At the time, I did not realize that this kind of matter hands leads to emotional affairs and where there is an emotional matter, a physical affair might not be also far off.

Only, no, at the time, I was a self-professed feminist and not a little, jealous girlfriend. I could handle his flirtation because I was a 'big girl' and I was 'higher up all of that'. I reasoned that I should feel proud of him and glad for him since he was now getting positive attention from others.

Well, he too hands ran with it and broke up with me for someone who wanted to move into our mutually owned abode. (That's another long story). On the other hand, as men go older, I do believe that they can temper their need for attention with maturity. (Although, I don't know if he was always able to temper it.) Considering he did ally the other woman, I am guessing she got what she deserved in him.

Opposite Prince Charming

Now, I desire to show you lot an example of what I recall is certainly a Reverse Prince Charming. I scoured the internet and chat boards to observe comments from men who have cheated. Here is what one anonymous RPC says about himself:

I'g that guy…the married one. I'g the ane who is in the affair with a beautiful woman who has been trying to become out of this human relationship. She's in love and we take been seeing each other for four years. I have done this many times with other women, but I accept no intention of leaving my wife. My wife knows about the two affairs that I have admitted to. I tell the other woman that she is beingness used for everything I am not getting at domicile. These other women are my fantasy, my sexual fantasy, my ego booster when I go out. They may be smart, have a great job, merely there is something about them that just doesn't meet upward to the standards of my wife. Most men do not upgrade smashing sex activity to wife…. How long tin can 2 dishonest people maintain a healthy human relationship? The other woman wants more than fourth dimension and I give them just plenty to keep them at that place. I say what they want to hear just to keep them close." – Anon

Information technology's easy to come across why I put this swain in the Reverse Prince Charming category. He has a long history of adultery, he has no intention of leaving his wife and also no intention of leaving his mistress, and he knows exactly what he is doing, however he feels no remorse.

Unfortunately, would a boyfriend like this tell his wife everything? Absolutely not. So, the married woman'south best defense would be to become equally much information most him to run into what he is upward to in whatever way she can.

I would also venture to guess that this fellow is not trustworthy in other aspects of his life. He would probably brand a bad business partner or even friend to other men since through his behavior he has established that people are there for his use.

On the other hand, for people who have a history of diplomacy, I similar to believe that it'south not completely about sex even if it appears to exist.

The affair becomes a mechanism for acting out just every bit drinking besides much becomes a mechanism for acting out some kind of inner pain, struggle, stress, emptiness, or fifty-fifty anger. A workaholic could employ work as the mechanism for interim out, but there is a much deeper effect within that individual.

But as some women wouldn't feel a deep betrayal if there has been had some other beverage, this blazon of affair doesn't have to instill the same sense of betrayal in you. In all affairs a mistress is an object for use, but in this type of matter the mistress is no better than a toothbrush or other grooming object. Does that mean you should stay? NO. But, information technology does put the most impersonal nature of the thing into perspective.

Finally, at that place are some Contrary Prince Charming's who fall into the category of beingness pathological narcissists or psychopaths. These folks are in the minority and yet they do so much harm to society. Most chiefly, at that place is no working information technology through with personality-disordered men. So, if you find out you accept ane, it might exist best to get out.

Fallen Prince Charming

In the prior department, we saw that the two factors that stood out for a Reverse Prince Charming was that he had a history of infidelity and he had no desire to stop having affairs. His beliefs is marked past apple-polishing selfishness and he would brand for a poor partner even without affairs.

In contrast, let's see what a Fallen Prince Charming has to say:

As I talk [about it] my middle sinks deeper into the shame and dishonor that permeates my very skin. I experience like such a piece of garbage. No corporeality of physical pleasance or mental stimulation will compensate for the ridiculousness of my behavior. I mean, I was gallivanting around like a 17-yr-erstwhile with a perpetual [desire], thinking others couldn't see what I was doing, and how I was acting. I'm just an idiot." (ii)

I believe that this fellow fits into the category of a Fallen Prince Mannerly for several reasons. The get-go is that he does not mention having several affairs—his focus is apparently on i large affair. He also feels tremendous remorse for what he has done. He also feels the requisite shame of such an come across. Finally, he has insight into the idea that no matter how fun at was at the time, information technology obviously did non excuse his behavior.

The Most Pathetic Part of All

I think in every affair lays the potential for tremendous tragedy. I am talking about the kind of tragedy that we see in epic, ancient Greek dramas—the kind where families are ruined and this ruin extends for generations to come. The protagonist in such a drama is e'er left with the painful insight and the agreement all that has occurred at his own paw, nevertheless, for many reasons is powerless to change anything. The deeds have been done and the consequences meated out—nothing can exist undone no matter how many tears of anguish are shed and no thing how much regret weighs heavily on the center.

I call back the most wretched type of affair is when a human wakes up to his actions too belatedly. This type of man may accept long since left his wife, married his mistress, and so in the future comes to realize exactly what he has lost and what he has washed.He has left a legacy of innocent victims in his wake, his children are estranged, his ex-wife has long since forgotten him and perchance remarried.

I believe that this type of hell is probably worse than any kind of fire and brimstone of which the Old Testament speaks. For this is a very personal type of hell and i knows exactly what one has done and has to alive with the consequences.

My wish is that all men who take diplomacy could be given a crystal brawl so they could see that kind of time to come where all of the embers of romance have long since burned out and there is even no common cold condolement for him. For, he has missed out on his children'due south lives, he has broken both a material and spiritual bond with the woman he promised to stand by, and he is no longer a young human being able to look forward to a time to come. All he is left with is what he has done and how he has lived his life.

I think in the end, a man'southward ultimate expose is to himself. In the end, when a human has an affair, he must alive with what he did for the residuum of his life. There are no practice-overs for past mistakes, there is only forgiveness. But fifty-fifty forgiveness does not undo the act itself.

Can Yous Make It Work for the Long Term?

Well, it all depends on what you are willing to live with. Whether or non you cull to stay, you need to reach a bespeak where y'all appoint in radical acceptance.

Radical credence actually helps you come to peace with the situation. The fact is, we cannot change another, no thing how hard we effort. In fact, when we look something of someone that he is not capable of, this causes us pain each time he fails.

For case, most husbands volition participate in exhausting mental acrobatics to downplay the affair. Other times, they will lie. But, liars are usually caught and each fourth dimension they are defenseless in a lie, they cause pain and disappointment to another. Only, it does non have to be that way. Karyn Hall, PhD says:

Accepting reality is hard when life is painful. No one wants to experience pain, disappointment, sadness or loss. But those experiences are a office of life. When you attempt to avoid or resist those emotions, you add suffering to your pain. You may build the emotion bigger with your thoughts or create more than misery by attempting to avoid the painful emotions. Y'all tin can stop suffering by practicing credence. Credence means you can brainstorm to heal. Resisting reality delays healing and adds suffering to your hurting. When you practise acceptance everyday, yous may be more prepared when the about difficult experiences in life occur." (3)

Credence gives an alternative even when living in a situation that will not change. At that place is no dominion that says you need to divorce a cheating hubby and besides no rule that says you need to stay.**  It is all up to you and what your gut tells you is all-time. You must ultimately be true to yourself.

All the same, if you lot choose to stay, accepting that you will be lied to and refusing to expect more than than your husband is capable of brings a sense of equilibrium. That is, credence allows you to remain balanced each fourth dimension you catch your husband in a lie or otherwise.

So, no matter what you choose, acceptance of your husband's continued flaws is the key. You can stay or you can go, simply accept what your husband is able to give and take what he is not able to requite.

This will help yous tremendously whether y'all are living with Opposite Prince Charming or Fallen Prince Mannerly. Finally, remember that past beliefs is indicative of future beliefs, so that is the best bet you have in terms of a crystal ball.

Footnotes:

*Allow me define what it ways to be attractive. Beauty is ageless, dazzler does not belong to one race or type of adult female, beauty is not the sole domain of thin women. It does non matter if a adult female is 25 years former or 85 years former– an bonny adult female is well-groomed and holds herself with nobility. She has a beauty that is found within and shows through her eyes and smile. But, I similar this definition of beauty that has been attributed to the late and great Audrey Hepburn:

Recipe For Beauty

"For bonny lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely optics, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful pilus, permit a kid run his/her fingers through information technology once a 24-hour interval.

For poise, walk with the cognition that you never walk lonely.

People, even more than than things, have to exist restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed: never throw anyone out.As you lot grow older, you will discover that you lot have two hands; one for helping yourself and the other for helping others."

**There is a caveat to the idea that at that place is no dominion that you should stay in a marriage or go out a marriage. The caveat here is physical corruption. When a man is severely physically abusive, even if he does information technology occasionally, this is a situation where a adult female must go out. This becomes doubly true if children are involved.

I remember working with a woman in my sometime profession whom, when she was six months pregnant, had her married man push her downward the stairs. She went flight and it is a miracle she did non lose the baby. Like all abusers, at that place was nothing she did to provoke him and she was caught completely off guard. She was no stranger to the occasional unprovoked slap or punch in the confront.This is what I am referring to when I talk about physical abuse.

She did not exit because when the homo was in the honeymoon (romance) stage of the cycle of abuse, he was full of love, promises to alter, gifts, compliments, passion for her, etc. When a homo participates in repeated cycles of concrete corruption like this, there is no end to the bicycle until a woman leaves. Information technology is actually a tragic situation for all involved, especially since it is so difficult for a woman to get out for expert.

Sources:

• Suzanne Phillips. From http://blogs.psychcentral.com/healing-together/2013/09/an-unrecognized-reason-that-married-men-take-affairs/

• Charles Orlando. From http://magazine.foxnews.com/dearest/confessions-adulterous-husbands

• Karyn Hall, PhD. From https://world wide web.psychologytoday.com/web log/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance

Source: https://www.emotionalaffair.org/are-you-married-to-a-serial-cheater/

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